Sadness

I'm filled with sadness today. Two main reasons that have gotten me here; the strange thing is that I can see so much good in both events. Why sadness?

After mas o menos 7 months, today, I rode my bicycle again. It was a crisp-cold, beautiful ride through parks, fountains, and lots of woods. I really enjoyed using my muscles to get myself to class again. I noticed how my leg muscles are out of shape, not used to pushing the pedals anymore. No problem, those I can recover the more I ride.

The hard part was noticing how my Peripheral Neuropathy, a gift from my chemotherapy days, has affected my ability to feel and control the pedals with my feet. When I got to intersections and had to stop and put both feet on the ground. It became quite noticeable to me that my feet are simply not the same anymore.

While I'm happy to be back on the bike once again and to feel my muscles exerting as I pedal my way around Corvallis, today it also made me grieve the loss of physical ability.

The second event, was my first day in my Leadership and Team Building class. For our first homework we are to answer 3 questions, one of them being: What do you want most from your life? This question could be easy to answer, but for some reason I have not been able to think of it without thinking of my cancer and all the mysteries lying ahead. The answer that comes to mind brings to surface a sadness that seems to reside deep inside of me and only comes to surface when I'm forced to give it space. A very simple answer:

What I want most from my life is to live and to live fully!